[paulsun]

Trying to Fix a Relationship With an Ex-Prostitute


For the forseeable future, the guru will continue to have friends and associates who are trying to reform a prostitute, as well as read messages on the Internet from men in similar situations. Rather than repeat the same advice over and over, I've just written it down here. If you find yourself in this situation, then you can come back here as often as necessary to ponder these suggestions.

First, "people don't change", i.e., peoples' personalities generally don't change. If a girl has been one way all her life and then another way for a short while, you may have a chance if it's in her best interests by her longstanding set of values and interests. But you can't make people into what you want them to be. You must find someone who already has the natural traits you want.

If a woman has never had the self-discipline to learn a new skill, or perseverance at anything, then it's unlikely she will ever do so. If a woman has done impulsive things all her life, she will almost certainly continue to do so. People can change dramatically for a short time, e.g., a few days, a few weeks or even a few months, when sufficiently motivated (e.g., on a new adventure with a sugar daddy). But stay together continuously a long time and it will eventually seem like you're right back where you started, as we say in the west.

If, however, you think that you have someone with solidly good traits but who just lacked opportunity, then I would suggest the following:

1. Find a better peer group of friends for her, and make her change her peer group from her prostitute friends to her schoolgoing or working new friends. Good luck...
2. In order to promote harmony from yourself and present a relationship she would be most motivated to develop, you should study Thai culture and think about which traits you should better adopt, e.g., controlling your temper at all times, being more polite and respectful towards Thais (and thus more respectable by Thais), and more of a family man. Some Thai traits will help you in your business life, though the lax ones will not.
3. Build up her self-esteem. I would suggest rewarding effort primarily, and not expecting great results immediately. The rate of results usually improves in time as they adapt mentally to the new ways of life. Thais are inherently much more laid back, culturally. (However, if the rate of results falls over time, consistently, then you have a more serious problem. Everyone has temporary lapses, so you must look at overall trends.)
4. Be a good role model, e.g., be truly monogamous (and keep your mobile phone on at all times...)
5. Don't have unrealistic standards for others. There's no perfect mate out there. Everyone's different. Thai women are usually more subserviant than western women, but they still have their limitations, as does everyone.



This may give the relationship its best chance to work, if it has any realistic chance at all. If it still doesn't work out, then don't waste too much of your money and life's time and energy on something that clearly isn't going to work.

A wise man once posted on Internet:

"I see and hear so many people talking about "saving" bargirls. Why dont you save yourself first? In my mind this stems from cultural arrogance. The rich foreigner comes in and sees these "poor" girls being "exploited". So he gets on his white horse and tries to change the world.

"Do you think these girls lead such miserable lives? Some of them do. Some of them lead great lives compared to what they would be doing otherwise.

"I dont see how someone can come to thailand for a visit and see fit to judge the whole situation based on a VERY partial view. (For those of you who haved lived, travelled in TL for years it obviously doesnt apply to you, so hold the flames.)

"I suggest that people spend some time travelling upcountry in Issan and get a feel for where these girls came from, and what their mental background is.

"I've read a few posts about people trying to setup bargirls in business. In my opinion this is foolishness. Of course there ARE a few success stories, but the exeptions make the rule. Why is it foolishness? Because these girls dont have it in them. They are THAI. Thai people are not the same as us. The are motivated by different things than we are. To be successfull in business you need to be highly motivated, relentless, meticulous and disciplined among other things. These are not qualities that typically abound among rural thais. (Once again there are always a FEW exceptions).

"Am I putting the Thais down here? Not at all. What they lack in terms of the relentlessness that we admire in the West they more than make up for in other qualities.

"So it all comes back to cultural arrogance. Maybe YOU think that a positive alternative to a girls current situation is going to school, starting a business, getting a degree, etc. Maybe that's not what she wants to do with her life? Maybe for a Thai the best things in the world are community and family, and friends all around you, and being able to eat good food all the time. Also other things like being able to wake up and not have to rush around all over. Just saying "sabai, sabai" and "Mai Pen Rai". A distinctly Thai trait in my observation is that they tend to live day to day. Ambitious they are not.

"I think oftentimes behind the desire to "help" bargirls really lies the desire to "change" them. Men come and meet these girls and fall in love with certain qualities. They dont want to reconcile what they like with the other bargirl qualities which they may not find so endearing. So they attempt to remold the girl into their image of a perfect girlfriend or wife. They think they can keep the sweet charming affectionate part of the bargirl and then scrape away the other parts they dont like.

"Guess what folks. You cant change people. Cant be done. Period. End of story. People can only change themselves. Doesnt matter how hard you try.

"So to wrap this all up, the only thing I can say is that if you meet a bargirl and you love her for exactly who she is when you meet her, then go for it.

"If you find yourself thinking she's attractive but could use a little work, better look elsewhere." - Antihero



When it comes to "saving yourself", that means accepting the realities about bargirl girlfriends. You can do something about yourself, but it's awfully difficult to change other people significantly.

Another wrote:

"My wife's family own a rice farm, and after seeing how the cycle works in the village I think I'm starting to understand some more of the differences between their life and how we look at things in the west.

"In a normal year the rice is planted around the rainy season; on this particular farm this takes about 2 weeks. After this, when the rice is about a foot tall, the family goes and weeds all around the rice stalks, which takes about 4 weeks. Finally, after its ready for picking, they all go and harvest it, about 3 weeks work. Then there's nothing at all to do for about 4 months till its time to start again.

"Now in between the work there is absolutely nothing to do as far as the work goes,no point in rushing around or getting motivated to do absolutely anything. Walk around the village at about 3pm and everyones either just sitting quietly chatting or asleep or doing the odd chores on the house or whatever. "This is the point where I'd be climbing the walls I always need to be doing something even if its just messing about with the TV or whatever. But thats the main difference between myself and the wife. I was brought up to be always moving forward, my missus is just basically chilled. Not that I'm moaning. I nearly ended up with the BMW driving highly motivated career woman and that just wasn't for me. But I could never see my wife making a success of a business. The motivation and drive just isnt there and I think the majority of girls with her background would probably be exactly the same. I dont think you could just throw money at someone and all of a sudden change generations of upbringing."



There is little work in the provinces, and the economy out there is pretty slim. Many people from the provinces head into Bangkok to make money during the offseason. Many of these don't return to the province, but let the family tend the farm while they make money in Bangkok, much of which is brought home.

Many of the prettier girls will have other doors opened for them, especially in the bargirl business. Whether beauty is a blessing or a curse depends upon where they wind up.

People who grew up in Bangkok or with higher class families in the provinces have another kind of background. You can find a better perspective on them in the guru's section on mainstream Thai ladies, though there are various blends and sorts.

The majority of ladies who take any interest in farangs are prostitutes from the poor Isaan region, however. They aren't shy to be seen with a farang. In terms of class, there's only one way: up. They have little to lose. They have financial motivation. They have few more interesting alternatives.