Advice on divorce

[samster101]

Originally Posted by thedevil666

nice advice indeed. im in this period also. but it takes two hands to release for a relationship to fall apart. it takes two hands to clap to make a sound too

You did woo her successfully many years ago, didn't you? Ai mai nia

[Delacour]

Originally Posted by samster101

My bff divorced with 1 young son. At the point of divorcing, he was so sure. So bitter. Had so much hatred. Rather give up his high paying job so that he can take a non travelling job to see his son 2 x on weekdays. He eventually re-married. Had another family. Another son. Then realized same old same old.

15 years later, I asked him if he regretted divorcing. He said Regret also no use. Done already. I can tell he did. Man is very stubborn. Won't admit wrong. Won't admit lose. When you cross mid 40s, you start to mellow. No energy to quarrel. No energy to hate. Just want to see your kids grow up. In his case, he now has to deal with the inconvenience of fathering his first son. His son suffered. Then, you realize all those bros who advised you to keep your first marriage were right.

Wisdom, unlike your bachelor or masters degree, is the ability to choose. I have often found it elusive in this forum.

Wise words written. Thank you.

[Mendoz]

Originally Posted by VincentnYu

Hey bro, when you wrote 'more for the kids', can tell that you are still a loving Father. Not sure what is the real reason for your decision but like what others shared...try to give it another chance! However if you've made up your mind, we wish you all the best but must keep in touch with the children no matter what age they are.

Good advice bro

[patrickzapu]

When all's well, it's "till death do us part", when in bad times, can't wait till u die......

I'm in my forties n had my fair share of fun outside, just when u thought u wanna go back and be a good boy, u uncovered some secrets from the past of your wifey and realised that both are not as honest as it looks to be......

so i learnt - "if u cannot forgive, U forget and if you cannot forget, U forgive"....

Hope this will help some bros.....

[Doritos]

Originally Posted by patrickzapu

When all's well, it's "till death do us part", when in bad times, can't wait till u die......

I'm in my forties n had my fair share of fun outside, just when u thought u wanna go back and be a good boy, u uncovered some secrets from the past of your wifey and realised that both are not as honest as it looks to be......

so i learnt - "if u cannot forgive, U forget and if you cannot forget, U forgive"....

Hope this will help some bros.....

Well said bro

[McFlirty]

Originally Posted by Travesty

Marriage is scary

Agree with you on this.

[DirtySerry]

Originally Posted by pickluss

Hi, currently filing for divorce, and wife is asking for $2500 per month, and the whole ownership of the HDB.

My income is about $5000, and i will try to bring it down to about $1000-1500.

I have contributed about $50k to the HDB so far, am prepared to actually give it all up to her, more for the kids actually so that they are not disrupted.

Just want to check if the above is reasonable, if not, whats the generic norm for the situation? Appreciate your quick replies as i want to counter offer asap, thanks!

I'm not a lawyer but gone thru the same situation a few years back so this is based on experience.

How much to give will be decided by the court depending on your lifestyle during the marriage. She can ask but that is only a request. There is 2 part for the monthly maintenance:

- For the wife (until she remarry)
- For the kids (until they are 21 years old)

How much maintenance also depends on the income of your wife and the age of the kids. She is the mother and also has responsibility to support the kids financially. If the kids are in Primary school, $500 each is considered reasonable (again, depends on your wife's income).

List down the monthly expenses for the family and break it down for each family member. Also list who is paying for what. This will help the court decide better.

If HDB, unlikely she will get all unless you agree. But dun forget that you have to pay back the CPF no matter what. Meaning, if you give her the flat 100%, you have to pay back your CPF the amount you used to purchase the flat plus interest.

Giving up all the money is not for the kids, it would be more for the wife. Kids do not need your money. They only want your time and attention.

In any case, if really cannot salvage, divorce on a good note. This would really be for the KIDS and reduce their pain (just a little more).

[Abcdefghijklmn]

If divorce is the last choice, please place your kids or children in first place.

Get a lawyer and draft out the things mainly for kids. Instead of going to the woman, go directly to the kids saving etc.

But why divorce bro..? Patch back then go FL ba. Man has needs but he still need a home.

If woman nag, try to change her mood. I am in this situation and I trying to improve her mood

[pickluss]

Thanks all for your advice. Honestly, not much feelings to carry on.. not zero, but not enough to want to do more than the usual needed to salvage it. If to carry on, it'd be more of guilt more than anything else. We dont talk much, let alone chat. Havent really chatted for years, all very surface.

Theres some attributes about her that i cannot tolerate and vice vs her to me. I know many will say everything can be worked out, but I would maybe classify the problems under irreconcilable differences? Yes i should already know her character even before marriage, but staying together amplifies it.

Its more of me, and i feel damn guilty, damn bad, like i'm giving up on the family. But i'm leaning towards that a split might be better, for both of us. Wondering if its a wrong move also, but just dont have the conviction/urge or whatever it is needed to put in my all to salvage it.

anyone experienced this but still managed to pull thru?

[pickluss]

Originally Posted by DirtySerry

I'm not a lawyer but gone thru the same situation a few years back so this is based on experience.

How much to give will be decided by the court depending on your lifestyle during the marriage. She can ask but that is only a request. There is 2 part for the monthly maintenance:

- For the wife (until she remarry)
- For the kids (until they are 21 years old)

How much maintenance also depends on the income of your wife and the age of the kids. She is the mother and also has responsibility to support the kids financially. If the kids are in Primary school, $500 each is considered reasonable (again, depends on your wife's income).

List down the monthly expenses for the family and break it down for each family member. Also list who is paying for what. This will help the court decide better.

If HDB, unlikely she will get all unless you agree. But dun forget that you have to pay back the CPF no matter what. Meaning, if you give her the flat 100%, you have to pay back your CPF the amount you used to purchase the flat plus interest.

Giving up all the money is not for the kids, it would be more for the wife. Kids do not need your money. They only want your time and attention.

In any case, if really cannot salvage, divorce on a good note. This would really be for the KIDS and reduce their pain (just a little more).

for my HDB, $20k was from a grant from my CPF. So I have to top up in cash $20k into my CPF if i give up everything to her? What if i dont have this amount? How will it be dealt with?

[chirpydog]

the only acceptable ground for divorce is adultery... and repeated adultery...

if that's the case, then you have a case not to give anything...including custody of the kids...

Don't give up your kids to an adulteress... you will only cause further damage to their growing up...

And tell the woman don't bother to find another love/man... if she cannot keep her pants, she cannot keep any marriage.... she will end up the same...possibly several times... Do herself and others a service..

[Hanster]

Ts,
Go to matter of the heart sextion and read about this! There has been a thread frequently discussed by few bros who are in the process of divorcing their wives! My advice is that try to seek counselling to have a better thought! Divorce is easy for parents but the kids will ususally suffer!

[HelloAngel]

Originally Posted by pickluss

Hi, currently filing for divorce, and wife is asking for $2500 per month, and the whole ownership of the HDB.

My income is about $5000, and i will try to bring it down to about $1000-1500.

I have contributed about $50k to the HDB so far, am prepared to actually give it all up to her, more for the kids actually so that they are not disrupted.

Just want to check if the above is reasonable, if not, whats the generic norm for the situation? Appreciate your quick replies as i want to counter offer asap, thanks!

I am a sis who went thru divorce a few years ago. Kid stays with me and the ex only gives child maintenance of less than $300 a month. He refused to pay more citing many reasons and the family court judge said if you can't come to a conclusion, you can apply to high court for hearing. You earn $5k and your wife wants 50%, I don't think it will go through. Especially if she is working. Yes, you can give her the hdb but you might need to put the housing funds used back into your cpf. Need to check.

Many brothers here posted valid points on why you should save your marriage. I do agree that if can remain together, then don't divorce. But then talk is easy, if you are in the actual situation, it's very different. I went through an emotionally tiring divorce with counselling sessions and court hearings but yet things didn't work out and it's better we part. But I made sure the ex had liberal phone and visitation access to the son as I didn't want my boy to feel that daddy don't care. He can come over to see my boy and spend time w him weekly and during school holidays. We became like friends after the divorce and I am much happier. No more quarrels and unhappiness which made the home very unhappy. Being a single mom juggling work and home is not easy but I try my best as my boy is my priority.

Have a talk with your wife regarding these ancilliary matters with your kids as the main priority. You may wanna lose your status as a married man but never lose your status as a father to your kids. Keep the relationship close and be there for them whenever you are free after you move out. Take care!

[Apollo]

Originally Posted by samster101

My bff divorced with 1 young son. At the point of divorcing, he was so sure. So bitter. Had so much hatred. Rather give up his high paying job so that he can take a non travelling job to see his son 2 x on weekdays. He eventually re-married. Had another family. Another son. Then realized same old same old.

15 years later, I asked him if he regretted divorcing. He said Regret also no use. Done already. I can tell he did. Man is very stubborn. Won't admit wrong. Won't admit lose. When you cross mid 40s, you start to mellow. No energy to quarrel. No energy to hate. Just want to see your kids grow up. In his case, he now has to deal with the inconvenience of fathering his first son. His son suffered. Then, you realize all those bros who advised you to keep your first marriage were right.

Wisdom, unlike your bachelor or masters degree, is the ability to choose. I have often found it elusive in this forum.

bro well said, but sometimes human beings just dont learn ...

[Apollo]

Originally Posted by HelloAngel

I am a sis who went thru divorce a few years ago. Kid stays with me and the ex only gives child maintenance of less than $300 a month. He refused to pay more citing many reasons and the family court judge said if you can't come to a conclusion, you can apply to high court for hearing. You earn $5k and your wife wants 50%, I don't think it will go through. Especially if she is working. Yes, you can give her the hdb but you might need to put the housing funds used back into your cpf. Need to check.

Many brothers here posted valid points on why you should save your marriage. I do agree that if can remain together, then don't divorce. But then talk is easy, if you are in the actual situation, it's very different. I went through an emotionally tiring divorce with counselling sessions and court hearings but yet things didn't work out and it's better we part. But I made sure the ex had liberal phone and visitation access to the son as I didn't want my boy to feel that daddy don't care. He can come over to see my boy and spend time w him weekly and during school holidays. We became like friends after the divorce and I am much happier. No more quarrels and unhappiness which made the home very unhappy. Being a single mom juggling work and home is not easy but I try my best as my boy is my priority.

Have a talk with your wife regarding these ancilliary matters with your kids as the main priority. You may wanna lose your status as a married man but never lose your status as a father to your kids. Keep the relationship close and be there for them whenever you are free after you move out. Take care!

sis think you made a good decision ... you are happier now